Internal Family

Internal Family System (IFS) is the practice known to psychotherapy which identifies subpersonalities consisting of the trauma parts of ourselves. This practice of IFS can be beneficial in helping understand and dissect our traumas. A way to personify or embody the emotions and thoughts that are attached to them. This creates space within ourselves to shed light on them to be seen in a healthy way in order to be healed.

Unknowing what it was called or that it was even an actual practice, I had been utilizing IFS since around 2009. Fearful to tell anyone having them think I was crazy, I kept it to myself. It was shown only by the names I have called myself throughout the years. March of 2023 is when I was talking to a friend for the first time about this ‘thing’ I do. She had a degree in Psychology and told me it sounds a lot like IFS, which again, I had never heard about. As soon as I got home to my computer, I started researching everything I could about what internal family systems are. Sure enough, I had been practicing this technique all this time.

Some know me as my birth name, Ileah. While others know me by various names like Magdey or Maggie for short. She was the one who came out first. She is the protector, so in that way she was very masculine. This over assertion to create a safe space made for a time of confusion for sexual preferences and lots of body dysmorphia. I had eating disorders and thought I might be a lesbian. I never identified or wanted to be male, I just felt like a tomboy for a good part of my life. I wanted to cover my body in baggy clothes, wear hats and spoke harshly. I thought of myself as one of the ‘bros’. Magdey is the part of myself who is the brutal, rough, loudmouthed ruthless fighter you want on your side going into battle. Yes, I think about my nordic blood when it comes to her. She will protect at all costs. Fearless, acting before thinking and hot-headed. Madgey was on the front lines for years. During this time, I was very angry. Acting out, running with a bad crowd, doing everything I could to run from my feelings and numb the pain. Or, on the other hand, doing everything I could to feel something other than numb. While most people probably thought it was simply teenage angst, Magdey was running wild with the reins.

I consider the start of my IFS journey to be in ‘09 which is when I gave all my subpersonalities names. Splices as I like to call them, like pieces on the pie chart of who I am. Magdey was known from about the age of 13. I thought I had bipolar or multiple personality disorder, when in actuality, it was just unhealed parts of me screaming out to be noticed, seen, held, heard and healed.

Some time after, around 15/16 I was able to give another part of me a name. I had healed some of my deep anger traumas with the use of psilocybin mushrooms and was finally able to go one layer deeper to find my innocence that was taken. My childhood was shattered from abuse and neglect. That part of me is Sophie. She is everything good in me. She is childlike, playful, imaginative. I think of her in a world where the sun dripped golden honey and kissed all the plants and critters. There were waterfalls, lush meadows and fun textures everywhere. Colors were pastel and had a smell of pure happiness.

My childhood, as I said, was full of abuse. I don’t remember much of my childhood because of this. I get pieces at times, like a photo was taken, I can see a specific memory but nothing leading up to it or anything that follows. I was in a constant state of fight or flight. A constant state of anxiety and needing to self protect or self sooth. Needing to dissociate from the arguing, trying to escape the emotional, mental, physical and sexual abuse that lasted for twelve plus years. I don’t ever remember having my own friends or doing much of anything fun. Birthday parties were full of neighborhood kids or classmates I never actually hung out with. The one memory I have often is before I was 7. I would always escape under the stairs outside into the dirt hole and make mud pies topped with blades of grass. Much of my childhood I would self isolate. While kids played at recess, I would sit in a corner in my own world. During summer I would go to science camp or some other activity camp but again, would be the weird outsider girl in my own world, not understanding why I couldn’t make friends with the other kids.

Now that I am older Sophie is still the soft part of me. The one who gets to come out when I feel fully safe. She is incredibly goofy, laughing hysterically at the thoughts in our head, dancing in between bites of food and will be singing or dancing like no one is watching. Sophie is the one who wants to lay in the grass and stare at the clouds, taking walkabouts in the forest saying hi to the plants and critters. The one who is spontaneous, loves sundresses, road trips and reminds the rest of us there is magic in the world and never to get too serious. Sophie is the one who loves playing board games, puzzles, doodling and watching the movie she knows word for word, all while wearing a fuzzy onesie, slippers or a incredibly oversized fluffy blanket.

As I went deeper with my journey with mushrooms, around 17/18, I started seeing a whole new part of life. I saw people who hadn’t had deep traumas, or what looked like hardly any trauma at all. The worst thing that happened in their life is their best friend moved away, broke up with their high school sweetheart or their childhood dog died. Otherwise, they had a pretty loving and stable foundation. I’m not talking about those people who look good on the outside but inside they are crumbling. No. I’m talking about the people who were, what I call, Pure Channels. They are true mirrors for the rest of us for how life can and what I think, should be. They are the rays of light and sunshine. You can pick these people out of the crowd. There is something so pure and soft about them, almost ethereal. A delicate sweet naivety to them. They weren’t shown the harsh realities of how the world is and can be. They were untouched by the evils that lurk.

I craved this. I knew with the help of my psychedelic mushroom allies I could really work on my traumas. Heal parts of me that needed and gain knowledge along the way to have a successful loving life. This is where NoorRa was born. She is the part of me that wants to do better. She is the one who chooses knowledge and stillness. NoorRa is constantly craving information about the world and the people in it. With this information she hopes to bring awareness and understanding. She is the one on a never ending journey to, if you wanna call it, enlightenment. Healing our bodies and minds with movement, foods, sounds, and experience. Choosing the higher path, being a beacon of hope for others thinking they will never heal. Coaching others with all the knowledge she has gained throughout the years. NoorRa is the old soul medicine woman who is always wanting to share wisdom about growth, forward movement, the healing journey and above all, life is a practice not a perfect. She is an herbalist, naturalist, minimalist and some would call a hippy. Always turning to earth medicine, loves her crystals and has an eagle eye perspective to all problems. NoorRa is the one with a thirst for betterment, self improving and is soft spoken yet firm. The embodied divine feminine, seeking alignment of the highest self.

With these three distinctive personalities now, it became very loud in my head. Sophie was scared to speak up or. Magdey was raging. NoorRa was trying to let Sophie be seen and bring wisdom to Magdey. There for a while, it really was like having bipolar. While I did receive a diagnosis of acute bipolar, I don’t actually think I am. I think it was simply all these parts of me fighting to be seen, heard and validated. That is where Taylor came in. While all others are female, Taylor is what you could call nonbinary or gender neutral. Taylor was the middle ground, seeing all sides but choosing none. The one void of all emotion, not falling one way or another. Completely neutral in all ways. They were the mediator. Sitting in the corner, observing, silent. Taylor was the one holding the council. If Magdey tried to take over the conversation, Taylor would stop it immediately and remind everyone she was not the one incharge! If Sophie was trying to come out in an unsafe time being taken advantage of, Taylor would call forth NoorRa to shed wisdom and if need be even call Magdey to handle the situation if it got out of hand. When getting overwhelmed, Taylor would call a council meeting and allow everyone to share their thoughts in a calm manner before deciding which was the best course of action.

I know this may all sound very odd to those who have not had deep traumas, but I have found this is a very common thing to do for those of us that have suffered whether we know we are using it or not, like myself for a very long time. All these subpersonalities are layers of each other. Each one had to be seen and validated before another layer of healing could take place. All members had their name within about six years. After they were identified and received their name, it has been amazing to see how my life and mental health has changed for the better.

This technique was developed by Richard Schwartz in the 1980s and has been incredibly beneficial for those seeking help but have not had a safe space to do so. Utilizing the internal family system can be a great practice to shed light on all the emotions and thoughts that have risen from trauma in a constructive form. Being able to separate them and see them clearly. Understanding these pieces in a deeper way. Knowing, while they do make up who you are, they, in a way, are not who you actually are. They are traumas that haven’t been expressed. Using IFS can allow us to recognize when we are being triggered by seeing who is showing up. When this happens, we can hold space for our subpersonalities, let them be heard then begin to regulate our thoughts and emotions and hopefully start dissipating the ‘people’ and come into harmony with all of our emotions without the trauma.

With love,

Ileah